Guys, fair warning: this post is not about Hazel being drunk or Jamie keeping her hair pink or how Zach has a nice bod. Although you're encouraged to fill the comments section with those topics (reading your responses has been fun and educational!)

This post is about... massage. Yeah. Massaaaaaaagggge...

See, I was kindly sent this slick tool in the mail a few months ago:



It's called the Smart Wand and it's made by Lelo.

Now, when I received it, I was informed that it was a massage wand... to which I replied "that's funny, because it looks exactly like a sex toy." Well, then some guy at the market insisted that cucumbers are food and I decided that sex toys are sometimes categorized as things that aren't sex toys.

That said, I did happen to have a sore lower back a few times in the past month, so I finally used it on something that doesn't have a clitoris, which seemed rather backwards at first. This thing is MEGA powerful, so aside from the somewhat-awkward angle at which I had to hold it, the Smart Wand did a great job of rubbing out my kinks (all puns intended). It was wonderful, relieving, and much easier/more fruitful than desperately trying to massage your own back with your own hands in a position much like a flamingo.

And really, that "awkward angle" problem wouldn't be a problem if I dated people who live within a thousand miles of my house, so I'll take the blame on that one. If you have a significant other/roommate/mom/very talented dog nearby, let them help you out with the wand if you decide to use it as something other than a sex toy.

I promised myself I wouldn't review this thing until I used it for what it was intended (which is why it took three months), so now that THAT'S out of the way...

Guys. Have you heard about the G-spot? Have you heard about its new nicknames, the G-zone and the G-area? Maybe you read an article like this one earlier this year, with a threatening headline that suggests the G-spot does not exist and we've all been faking orgasms to ourselves. Upon further reading, you'll learn that there is hardly one "spot" in a woman that causes an orgasm; rather, there's this whole wishbone-shaped "area" that, when stimulated, can cause an orgasm in a lady.

Nifty, huh? Now all you lady-pleasers out there can stop playing Pirate Treasure Map with the vagina when your girlfriend insists that her G-spot is "broken, please ring the doorbell for service." Just "ring the doorbell" - it's attached to the very "spot" you were looking for in the first place.

The reason I bring this up is that the large bulbous tip of the Wand is so large and bulbous that it covers that entire "area" or "zone," and that will give you a very... different orgasm, assuming you're accustomed to a clit-focused or G-spot-focused orgasm. It's a little alien at first.  You'll be all like "what the fuck even WAS that?"

Quite frankly, this massage wand is actually meant to be a massage wand, which means it's so powerful it could jackhammer your clitoris right off (or so it seems, at first, before you become best friends). So I'd suggest - not from personal experience, mind you, a "friend" told me this - that if you're fairly sensitive in the doorbell area, keep your panties on. Hell, even keep your pants on (it's getting cold here in the northern hemisphere, after all). This amazing gadget will make its way through a fucking couch cushion if it has to. YOU WILL FEEL IT, DON'T WORRY. You may also cause an earthquake, who knows.

Speaking of aliens, using this wand on your "area" looks a little like an alien is eating you out, because the lights on the navigation pad light up through the silicone. It's a really, REALLY pretty device, much more handsome than the Hitachi Magic Wand (sorry, Hitachi-lovers) and very sturdy and ergonomic. It feels perfect in your hand and has a bit of weight to it, probably due to its battery, which lasts an impressive 2 hours while in use.

Did I mention the Wand is rechargeable and doesn't need to be plugged in during use? Just recharge & slip it into its case, and you can take it anywhere.

Oh AND (here's where this tool blows other massage wands out of the water, literally): the Smart Wand is fully submersible, up to a meter (for those of you who are not Americans and actually know what a meter is), which means you can, y'know, "massage your back" in the bathtub. Or you can actually massage your back in the bathtub.

One last thing: there's this cool bonus format they added to the Wand that I really dig, called SenseTouch. You can set up the Wand (very easily) to only start vibrating once it's pressed against your body (or, alternately, your pillow or a cat I swear it was an accident), which is nice for that battery life I was just talking about.

Finally, here's a cute girl talking about the Smart Wand in a very PG, SFW kind of way and enunciating all of her words very carefully.



Anyway, just go look at the Lelo listing and consider buying it for yourself, or your mom or your sister because, y'know, it's a MASSAGE WAND people, get your head out of the gutters.